So it's 5:30 in the morning and I'm awake and there's no juice and it's too early to go to the store, so I open a big box of cereal Keith bought at Costco. Inside this big box are two big bags of Frosted Mini-Wheats. Cool. I'm deciding whether to flatten the box for recycling or save it whole for maybe sending a Christmas gift to Kirby or something, and I notice this important clinical news.
It says it's going to improve my attentiveness.
So I start paying more attention right away. There's fine print.
Oh. It will improve kids' attentiveness by nearly 20%. Up there by the happy cereal guy's piece of chalk (chalk while I'm eating powdered sugar is gross, but it's not real chalk) there is a footnote marking. 1. I'm looking for the 1.
There's a note, over there under the happpy cereal guy. It says there's more information on the side panel. Isn't that the way it always is? But this is different. This had a footnote. So I get the side panel, and I get a magnifying glass. I'm starting to have more Need to Know than I have hunger for cereal.
See right below the easy-to-read yellow box? In the orange. The print that's even smaller than the notice about sugar at the very bottom, it says something. It's my footnote. I have scanned and enlarged it for the edification of those who read this blog.
"kids who ate (this...) had up to 18% better attentiveness..."
If the highest measure they got was 18%, and that wasn't the average, then they rounded that up to 20%.
But my important question had been "better than WHAT? what did the other ones eat?"
Nothing. Three hours after eating this, some did (and some didn't) pay attention 18% better than kids who had eaten nothing. A kid who's three hours out from breakfast and has eaten nothing hasn't eaten for twelve hours or "up to nearly 14 hours" maybe I should say.
So compared to someone who hasn't eaten since the day before, this cereal will rate somewhat better in "attentiveness." Attentiveness to what!?
I know how to improve kids' attentiveness nearly 100%. Only talk about things they want to know. Only show them things they're interested in. Be dazzling and funny. Look at them and smile, and stop testing them and calling them kids. Stop starving them and making them perform scientific experiments in the name of advertising sales. Let them sleep!! Let them eat when they want to. Give them many choices alongside of or other than Frosted Mini-Wheats.
1. My blueprint for success includes finding happiness in small things.
2. M&Ms was the last candy I ate.
3. The best facial moisturizer I've ever used is !? I've never used a facial moisturizer yet, but I guess if I come to need one I'll find this post and follow the links to where hundreds of people (or dozens) have named their favorite facial moisturizer!
4. Singing can be good therapy.
5. I'd like to tell you about how wonderful my kids are, but I've already done that other places in this blog.
6. Speed is my strongest characteristic. Not running or walking, but I can think and write and type and speak at a brisk pace, which is sometimes useful. Perhaps a few hours ago I was nearly 20% faster than people who hadn't gotten up at 5:00, cleaned a kitchen quietly and then eaten Frosted Mini-Wheats. Perhaps.
7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to sitting with Keith and working on a jigsaw puzzle while he watches crazy wrestling, tomorrow my plans include nothing particular and Sunday, I want to help Jasmine celebrate her 18th birthday by going to Garduños for dinner. I am opting out of the air-soft battle in the mountains. Holly will represent our family in the celebratory imaginary carnage.